Sunday, 11 January 2009

The Cast So Far

Google Analytics tells me I have readers, among other places, in Turkey, Finland, Greece and Indonesia. I realise Google are probably lying just to keep me happy and retain my invaluable custom, but if I have even a handful of readers outside my circle of friends, I still think it’s unfair on them that I keep mentioning friends and acquaintances in my blog without any sort of introduction. Hence the need for a glossary of sorts.

At least, that’s my ostensible reason for the post. The real reason is that I like internal hyperlinks, and I needed an excuse to use them on my blog.

I have linked all prior mentions of my friends (as for example on this post) to the corresponding entry on the post you’re now reading. And each time I introduce a new character, I shall add their introduction as well. The cast so far comprises:

Half Mallu and half Bihari, Aastha is famous for her multiple chins, coffee addiction, a habit of talking to inanimate objects in her room, and coming up with a killer ending for a certain yearbook testimonial. She is also famous for a mean rendition of Yankee-doodle on the guitar. Unfortunately, this is the only tune she can play.
Most likely to
: be the first name in your phonebook
Sample quote: “Tum khaa kyun nahi rahe ho Sroyon?”

A compulsive socialite who knows every word of college gossip. Likes food, chatting in the library, and all other unproductive ways of spending time. To quote Douglas Adams, she loves deadlines, especially the whooshing sound they make as they fly by. Oh, and she wears pink specs.
Most likely to: talk the hind leg off a donkey
Sample quote: “Oh, guess who I saw holding hands at City Centre?”

Hawaiian shirt, rudraksh and bald pate—is it a freak? Is it a slob? Is it a walking-talking fashion disaster? All of the above—it’s Anuj! It’s excruciatingly hard to think of good things to say about him, but yeah I guess he knows his eating joints fairly well, and he’s the founder-neglecter of Cinephiles Anonymous. He pretends to be freaked out by much that I say and do, but I know—I just know—that behind that grumpy exterior, he’s actually enjoying it.
Most likely to: be featured on the cover of Vogue
Sample quote: “Someone please kill Sroyon before I do something worse to him.”

He is scared of girls and only eats vegetarian food, but he likes Paulo Coelho and corporate law. In other words, he has his preferences completely skewed. If you’re not sufficiently convinced that he’s a freak, sample this: he knocks on people’s doors before entering their hostel rooms, invites you to take a seat when you visit his, and always wears sneakers.
Most likely to: trip on a chair leg and apologise
Sample quote: “I found this really cool provision in the Takeover Code today…”

The youngest member on the editorial board of our college magazine, and the victim of almost incessant leg-pulling. Gets her revenge by taking cheap digs at me in front of her batchmates, thereby ensuring that as far as the first years are concerned, I have no reputation or dignity left to speak of. Famous for her Profound Statements, Victorian vocabulary and non-existent road sense.
Most likely to: lose her way returning from Food Bazaar
Sample quote: “There’s a thrill in winning which is absent in mere participation. That is the same difference between mumble mumblemumble…”

Bunty’s exploits in law school were many and varied: valuable cameos in the cricket tournament, thrilling moments on the football field, and who could ever forget the cycling expedition from Calcutta to Hyderabad. There is nobody Bunty doesn’t know, no event he hasn’t been somehow involved in. On an average day, Bunty will mangle five English words, try to chat up a minimum of six random girls, and propose at least three group outings/activities. These may range from Coke in Beliaghata to a batch trip to Bhutan.
Most likely to: say ‘yes’ to a plan
Sample quote: “Main karoonga”

Likes tea, polka dots, indie pop, lemon tarts and cats. Darshana somehow seems to have built up a reputation of being able to write well, though she can’t spell ‘privilege’ and has the vocabulary of a Mouseketeer. Oh and of course, she has a shrine dedicated to me. *ducks*
Most likely to: kill me for this post
Sample quote: “Okie dokie.”

Came up with the idea of having a Lexicon for the NUJS Blogs, defining NUJS-specific terms that might be unfamiliar to outsiders. So now you know where the idea for this post came from. She may be a cusp, and she may think that a desktop computer can run without a power supply, but her ideas with respect to page layout and punctuation are all in the right place. Karthy is therefore the only person other than Lahiri and myself whom I trust with the sacred task of formatting our college magazine.
Most likely to: quote from a 1967 Star Trek episode and expect everyone to get it
Sample quote: “Maybe I’m being obsessive, but don’t you think there should be a comma here?”

An infallible stopper and a superb free-kick taker, who can always be counted on to miss that crucial penalty. He is also the originator of the ‘doctrine of severability’—the less said about that the better. And no piece about Kisku is complete without mentioning this essential fact: His grin is the stuff that toothpaste commercials are made of.
Most likely to: cheat in a friendly match
Sample quote: “I did not steal your plate.” (This is a lie.)

He deserves a whole blog dedicated just to him. Famous for dropping, losing or tripping over objects, hard of hearing, incurably tactless, always bankrupt. An expert at formatting MS Word documents, imitating lizard calls, and having the dirtiest room in the whole of the boys’ hostel.
Most likely to: have already offended you
Sample quote: “Please justify the text. It hurts my eyes.”

She could have been the quintessential village girl, but in fact she is far from it. She used her Class Representative privileges to spam like nobody’s business, makes wailing kitten-like sounds while headbanging to heavy metal, and parties like a maniac. Back in her home town, she terrorises the natives by driving her Scooty at high speeds on congested roads.
Most likely to: show Bhubaneswar how to party
Sample quote: She doesn’t talk; she pinches

The older of the identical Varghese twins, and manager of M-Cube, a team in the NUJS Football League which I unfortunately happen to be part of. His promising sporting career was short by an anterior cruciate ligament tear, compounded by complete disregard for medical advice. This left him with a lasting bitterness towards all of mankind; so as team manager, he takes it out on us at practice, modelling his actions on those of an exceptionally heartless drill sergeant.
Most likely to: ignore his physician all the way to the wheelchair
Sample quote: (In response to me telling him I’ll die if he makes me do one more pushup) “Sroyon, an athlete peaks at 22.”

A law firm in London, in a spirit of fey madness, offered him a job, so he has mercifully left our shores. A man of many passions: Liverpool FC, cycling, stargazing and Article 19(1)(a), to name a few. Always has a crazy and physically-demanding plan up his sleeve, and an unhealthy knack of talking you into being part of it. Will go down in history, if for no other reason, as the man who encouraged me to start my blog.
Most likely to: run a marathon just for fun
Sample quote: “I’ve figured it out at last! Man’s purpose on earth is to domesticate the cow.”

With a name like that, and with his spartan habits and vow against using obscenities of any kind, it is not surprising that Shekhar Sumit is more commonly known as the Quaker. He is the brain behind the Assimilated Arsenal of Asinine Alliterations and the most infamous statement of facts in NUJS mooting history. Table tennis, normal tennis, chronic sesquipedalianism, and a strange obsession with the NUJS Law Review are other things he is known for. Finally, he is the most short-tempered person of my acquaintance.
Most likely to: poke you when annoyed
Sample quote: “Pox ’pon them.”

One of the best, if not the best quizzer our college has ever seen; knows all there is to know about the fashion world and other alien domains. Would rather help humanity than strangle her conscience and join corporate law firms like most of us do. Somehow always seems to be flustered, ends all her sentences with “I swear,” and has declared war on political incorrectness, MNCs and the male species in general.
Most likely to: know the answer
Sample quote: “I hope you know, what you’re wearing was probably stitched by child labourers in a Cambodian sweatshop.”


ayan said...

I protest. I do "not" like coelho (well, except for the alchemist....but he does not even feature in my top-20 favourite authors)and I am "not" scared of girls.

Karthy said...

I'd protest too, except I must say that not being called a fast paced medium bowler (whatever that means!) is a definite improvement.

'Karthy is therefore the only person other than Lahiri and myself whom I trust with the sacred task of formatting our college magazine.'

I realize in Sroyon-verse, that is high praise, but I do wish my meager formatting skills were more permanent. You should see the state in which I gave in my projects, as Lahiri would put it, it hurts my eyes, the formatting does!

Rick said...

Could you please explain the "doctrine of severability"?
I feel an inexplicable curiosity about everything thats left unexplained.

Rahul Saha said...

I protest too. Apparently because I have the right to. Ayan, Coelho is a turdist and Alchemist is his diarrhea. Kisku,don't take this shit. You have scored many an inconsequential penalty.

Shrabasti Banerjee said...

Innnnteresting people :P

Sroyon said...

@Ayan: All lies.

@Karthy: Medium fast bowler. It's a recognised term. Look it up.

@Rick: Sorry, can't do that on a public forum.

@Saha: Kisku doesn't seem to read this blog, unfortunately. Our instigation is going in vain.

@Takai: Why do you think they've appeared on the blog? :)

Abhiroop said...

I am NOT likely to end up in debtors prison. I just spent 2 and a half grand you jackasses.... (evil grin)

Revolver said...

I protest. I am not going to kill you for this post. I am merely going to pull your cheeks whenever I meet you. If there are people around, I might even say "Ki mishti chele".

A fate far, far worse than death, I believe.

Pratiti said...

Confusing, there's a Rahul and a Saha?